Well, hello! It’s been a while since I wrote something just to write. I read a book, Even in Paradise, several weeks ago and there’s a quote that’s been running through my mind. I’ve been trying to find the words to write this post; hopefully I’ve finally figured out what I want to say and don’t ramble. Bear with me if I do. Let’s start with the quote:
“I knew what I was doing. I was becoming that girl,
the one who drops all her old friends when a new,
exciting one comes around. I knew what I was doing
and I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want to.”
— Even in Paradise
What I take from that quote (and from what was happening with Charlie at that time in the book) is that our friendships are categorized. That we can’t be friends with someone who likes art, studying, and focusing on school AND be friends with someone who is unfocused, a little wild, and doesn’t follow the beaten path. Charlie was so instantly attracted to Julia’s free-spirit, but she felt so nervous about what her other friends would think that she didn’t even attempt to get everyone together to see how well they meshed.
And maybe it’s because I hang out in the pages of young adult books that I find this pops up a lot in my reading, but do you believe this to be true — that we have to be either/or about who we hang out with?
I remember there being times in my life where I begged and prayed for friends who really clicked with me. I needed a core group that just got me. But as I’ve gotten older (ha, wow, does that feel terrible to write), I realize that’s such a narrow-minded attitude I had. There were my sports friends, my book friends, my church friends, etc. I didn’t allow them to intermingle and overlap. Even in college, my architecture friends didn’t really know my married friends. I was the odd girl who got married at 18, but also the girl who was still experiencing college. Balancing it all felt like such a chore. One that I definitely didn’t succeed at very well.
But there doesn’t have to be a THIS or THAT when it comes to friends. It’s so much more freeing to have adapted an all-inclusive attitude. I recently called up two friends — one I have known for a few weeks, another I’ve known for nearly a year — that had only momentarily met before to go shopping with me. It was spontaneous and spur of the moment, but why the heck not? I adore both girls and I knew they both needed time out, so why not do it together?
I’ve spent so, so much time in my life making sure everyone feels loved and happy. Ever the people-pleaser. I think that when I label my friends as being into books or fashion or DIY projects, it prevents me from getting to know more of them. I’m into all of those things and more — nail polish, makeup, hate cooking, love Target, Toms shoes-aholic, a wife, a church-goer, currently addicted to working out, a photographer, a good listener, a sympathizer. Why can’t my friends be more too? And why can’t a group of people hang out who don’t have absolutely every single thing in common? Won’t that push us to grow and mature?
I certainly hope so.
Let it be clear that I agree some friendships have an expiration date. There are times when we have to “break-up” with a friend because we’ve grown apart. (Rachel wrote a great post about this!) Maybe, just maybe, our friendships could continue to morph and grown and change if we were a little more forgiving and less static about how we approached them. It’s okay to mix things up and pull together a group of girlfriends who represent different aspects of our lives. What a slap in the face it was several years ago when a best friend of mine kicked me to the curb when her childhood best friend was visiting town. I wanted to learn about both of them, their history, and to see this new three-way friendship blossom into something brand new. That took many, many years to develop, but FINALLY it has.
Charlie eventually figures it out, too. It takes a long time for her to realize the mistakes she’s made and the ways she’s secluded herself, but she gets there. That’s quite possibly the highlight of Even in Paradise for me. It felt like such a revolutionary moment for me to read about something I’ve experienced so personally. But that leaves me curious…
How do you approach your friendships? Do you agree that we shouldn’t put them in a box?
ETA: I think many times I segregated my friendships because I was afraid of how people would accept other pieces of me than what they originally liked me for. What if my friend found out I went to church? Would that change the dynamic of our friendship? What if she thinks spending time on hair and makeup is stupid? What if she gives me a hard time about buying a pair of shoes when a few days ago I complained about being on a budget? I realize that those are things I find fascinating about my friends — their little intricacies and the details of their lives are what make them so rich and intriguing. I think many times I’ve “boxed” my friendships because I was afraid there were parts of me that wouldn’t be accepted. But maybe that’s a whole other can of worms… because then that boils down to whether or not that person is a friend at all, right?