Magan: What to Expect When You’re Expecting by Heidi Murkoff

magan of rather be reading announces she's pregnantWhat to Expect When You’re Expecting by Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenberg, Sandee Hathaway, Sharon Mazel
Publication Date: February 1, 2002
Publisher: Workman Publishing
Pages: 597
Target audience: Pregnant women!
Keywords: babies, pregnancy, expecting a baby, books to read while pregnant
Format read: Whelp, I haven’t actually read it… yet.

Summary: Are you really confused right now? Do you need an explanation.
Continue reading for more details…

 

Approximately 120,291,584 times I’ve thought about what I would say in this post. I’ve written drafts of it in my head over and over and over again. And now that I’m actually writing it, I feel so nervous. I think I’m actually shaking. I haven’t read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, but some time over the next 27 weeks, I think I might.

Here’s the short version of the story: Dustyn and I are expecting our very first baby. Holy cow, y’all, I am having a BABY. And today, a very special day — our nine-year wedding anniversary — I am so elated to share the news with you guys.

Here are a few answers to commonly asked questions:

  • When is your due date? February 7, 2014.
  • How far along are you? 13 weeks. Hello, second trimester!
  • Will you find out if you’re having a boy or a girl? We’re completely undecided. Part of us thinks it would be so fun to wait, but then we’re also a little bit Type-A and want to know how to plan and prepare. I think having our foster daughter has taught us to be a little more flexible and laid back though. So, anyway, this is still to be determined.
  • How did you keep this a secret? Well, Estelle has known since the very, very beginning. I basically asked her to keep the biggest secret ever because I was so overly fearful that something might happen and I didn’t really know how I would deal with losing a baby and having to explain that. A few people have known, but we just told our grandparents on Saturday (four days ago) that we’re expecting, so don’t worry friends, you’re not far behind!
  • Do you have baby names picked out? Well, you see. Baby Blasig is likely to be born on Estelle’s birthday, February 5th. According to her, we only have one name choice for our future baby boy or girl. 😉

Long Story:

This whole moment, announcing we’re pregnant, is really exceptional and amazing, but also a little bit bittersweet. For a long, long time Dustyn and I have been hoping for this. For the last three years, I’ve been in and out of the doctor’s office more times than I can count because things were just completely out of whack with me. I’ve had tons of friends in this time span that have announced pregnancies, had babies, and even have a second bun in the oven. Despite my excitement and happiness for them, I was always a little bit heartbroken and jealous too. Such a bottle of conflicting emotions and so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t completely push away my sadness and desire to be a mom to celebrate their moments. For all of the time we spent hoping and trying, I am completely aware there may be some of you who are in my shoes right now. (I’ve got tears streaming down my face, thinking about all those emotions I dealt with.) I don’t, at all, want my post to be one that rubs my pregnancy in anyone’s face. I understand.

These last few years, and maybe more specifically, the last 18 months, were some of the toughest I’ve ever been through. I felt so emotionally drained and so fed up with how difficult everything was. I questioned why it had to be so hard for us. Many times I sat at a dinner table with Dustyn and wept as another month passed and we were left waiting. He ever so patiently and lovingly dealt with my roller coaster of emotions and was so supportive. (Sometimes maybe a little too much as he’d say, “I just know it’s going to happen soon.” Maybe his definition of “soon” is different than mine, but man did it feel like an eternity.)

Over a year ago, last June, I sat at a table with Dustyn and we discussed our future family. Adoption was something we had discussed, vaguely, but that night we became a bit more serious about it. We both agreed that we didn’t want to spend years trying to have a baby and then more time waiting to be chosen or waiting to finish the licensing process to foster children. We decided we would take until the end of August to think and pray about what we wanted to do. I kid you not, at church one day the last week of August, they announced a partnership with a foster agency and had sign-ups to begin the classes for licensing. I immediately walked to the table and signed us up (yes, without even discussing with Dustyn first).

magan of rather be reading announces her pregnancy

Dustyn + me after announcing to our grandparents that we are having a baby; we got all of them together by telling them we wanted to have a lunch with them to “celebrate our anniversary.” One of my grandmother’s brought a cake!

From September to February, we worked on our licensing and continued to try for a baby (that phrase is really awkward to me, by the way). More doctor’s appointments came and went and I grew increasingly frustrated that it seemed we weren’t getting anywhere. Nothing was happening! We began receiving phone calls for children needing a foster placement in March and for every time we missed the opportunity to have a child in our home, I wept. I was having a really hard time dealing. Nothing, absolutely nothing, seemed to be working according to plan. I decided I needed a mental and emotional break. I cleared a few weeks of my work schedule to allow myself some time off. The very next day, we were so, so graciously blessed with our beautiful foster daughter.

Over the last few months, I’ve kept a lower stress level and continued to work, but on a much less hectic scale than I had been. I’ve really focused my time and attention on baby girl. I had less time to worry about waiting two weeks after I ovulated to see if I was pregnant. We went to Colorado in May with my family and the trip was somewhat stressful for me. Our foster daughter’s schedule was off and she wasn’t sleeping well. We were also pushing her a bit with inconsistent nap times as we traveled and explored. When we arrived back home and I realized I missed my period, I didn’t even think twice about it. In my mind, I was off because I had been stressed. It took three more days and me running to our house to grab something on Memorial Day and having to clutch my chest because my boobs hurt so badly for me to ask Dustyn, finally, “Do you want to know or do you want to keep waiting?”

First of all, let’s just add a disclaimer right here. Never, ever take a pregnancy test at night, friends. Never.

He was already cuddled up in bed with a book after a long, long day of BBQing with our neighbors and friends. He told me he was ready to know. I grabbed my pregnancy test and went to our second bathroom (our bed looks directly into our bathroom — a) I didn’t want to pee in front of him and b) if I had a breakdown over a negative test result, I was going to need a while to compose myself). The moment the test says “positive,” I start SCREAMING. I should mention that our second bathroom is by baby girl’s bedroom so my screaming caused Dustyn to run out of the bedroom, trying to hush me and saying, “SHHHHH. YOU’RE GOING TO WAKE THE BABY!” I yelled back, oh so happily, “WE DON’T CARE. WE DON’T CARE TONIGHT! WE GOT A POSITIVE. WE ARE HAVING A BABY.”

And there in our hallway, we hugged and cried and laughed and stared in complete utter disbelief that a test had finally, finally, finally come back positive. The next day I took another one just to be sure. The next week, I took another test just to be sure. That night, we called our parents and Face Timed with them to tell them our good news. We swore them to absolute secrecy and they promised they wouldn’t breathe a word to anyone. For all our excitement, there was so much fear in me. I was so scared that after all this time, something was going to happen and this little slice of happiness was going to disappear. We laid in bed that night, giggling like little school girls, so excited and giddy. We couldn’t sleep!

I had a doctor’s appointment at eight weeks. Well, I thought I was eight weeks according to my last cycle, but the baby measured at seven. My due date was pushed back from January 31st to February 7th. After the night we found out, I never got overly emotional or excited about my pregnancy. Fear completely overtook me. At my first appointment, when we saw the baby for the first time, I wept like nobody’s business. The nurse practitioner held my hand and the doctor passed me tissues and patted me on the back. I guess it just didn’t seem “real” until then.

magan's baby at 12 weeks

Baby Irmagerd: the 12 week ultrasound

Last week, I had a 12 week check-up and Little Irmagerd (we looked up popular German names and Irmagerd made the top 20 list — it’s our temporary placeholder name) was measuring just fine. Everything looks perfectly okay and now that we’re at trimester number two, we feel confident sharing the news and letting our little secret be known.

I’ve had a relatively blissful first 13 weeks so far. I’ve not suffered from morning sickness, though I did throw up last week because I was brushing my teeth. Stupid gag reflex. I’ve been extremely tired and needed a lot more naps than I ever knew I would need to take. I haven’t had super odd cravings or felt ridiculously emotional. I feel so much like myself, but my stomach is poking out in a very self-conscious-inducing way because I just look pudgy and not pregnant. Everyone told us that once we stopped thinking about having a baby, it would happen. I suppose we have one little girl to thank for taking our minds off of things.

Maybe you’re wondering what we’re planning with her. Maybe you’re wondering if we’ll still want to adopt her. The answer is, if we can, absolutely yes. There’s no question in my mind that we want to make her a permanent member of our family. She feels like ours. We’re a long, long, long way away from knowing what will ultimately happen with her, but for now, we’ll continue to enjoy every single day with her and hope and pray she’ll be ours officially one day.

So friends, there’s the story. I’m having a baby. Rather Be Reading is expanding. (HA.) Nine beautiful years of marriage, and today we celebrate the hope of many, many more to come and the excitement of waiting for our little person to be here. Holy moly.

magan's having a baby - believe it icon